Frontpage Headlines of the Real Present

Newspaper Presses

“Man Is Eternally Fucked by Lobotomy from Entropic, AI-Controlled Nano Tech Blade from Beyond Enceladeus, Weilded by Sentient, Plant Alien from Another Universe with Varying Laws of Nature in Play”

“Credit Card Tip Calculations Mutate And Evolve, Starting Bar Brawl In Restaurant. Billions Presumed Dead.”

“Medical Science Finds Way to Spam Your Brain Remotely with Advertisements. Viagra Pills Still Discounted”

“This Just In: ISIS Reportedly Attributable to Fake Media Cover Op for the Security Industry to Blame the Middle East for Everything. See Also: Taliban, Baath Party, Iranian Revolutionary Guard, Hamas, HizbAlluh, Communists, Anarchists, Terrorists, The Hamburgler, IDF, PLO”

“New Computer Smaller than Human Skin Cell Powerful Enough to Balance the Budget with Cheeto Dust Waste Surpluses”

“Cats Declare War on Twist Ties and Screen Doors in Bold Move to Protect All of Civilization”

“Today a Yound Man on Acid Realized that All Matter is Merely Energy Condensed to a Slow Vibration, that We Are All One Consciousness Experiencing Itself Subjectively, There is No Such Thing as Death, Life is Only a Dream, and We Are the Imagination of Ourselves. Here’s Tom with the Weather.”

“Today’s Leading Experts Debate! Entropic Personalities vs. Ordered Personalities. Can Hyperactive People See the World as it Really Is, or Do They Produce Too Much Chaos from their Actions?”

 “Police Brutally Murder Black-Haired Man. Courts Find Police Officer’s Involved Non Liable for Damages. Black-Haired Man’s Family Sued for Millions and Killed.”
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